When your classmates respect you and don't sit in your unofficial assigned seat. Always appreciate that. Haha.

Diamonds dancing.

Stream of consciousness writing.

Paranoid of papers but I know they're going to be good. Paranoid whether she will say yes but I know she will.

Cold weather recently, well, getting chillier. That's my kind of weather.

shirt shirts.. why do i have so many

iron ugh

Post-ignorance phase

Took the first test of the semester and praying that I did good on it. The weather is drastically getting breezier. And when the weather drastically decreases, the influx of students getting sick increases. While taking the test, I was sandwiched between two coughing and sneezing classmates. There was no way I could avoid them.

But I enjoy this fall weather. My mood suddenly starts to steer away from the summer days, and I look forward to those colder ones. It's a transition period, like ice turning into water, water turning into ice. Leaves turning bright orange, the autumn colors standing out at its peak.

For the time being, I spend my days being both active and studious as often as I can. I jog around the track field a couple times to break a sweat while listening to tunes, workout with my friends, and attend taekwondo from time to time. On the weekends I copy-edit articles for the newspaper. There's nothing worth noting whatsoever. Yeah, I'm bland like that.

I went out with a girl a year my senior for two weeks, but then all of a sudden she stopped responding to my messages. I was left hanging with a question never answered. The bond was pretty much one-sided, so I gave up in the meantime. She was hard to read. Nothing I could really do about that. For now, the ball's in her court. To note, she does play basketball. If she doesn't respond, it's her loss. She was cute. She was someone I wanted to get to know better but I guess she didn't feel the same with me.

I needed a cigarette, but of course I didn't smoke. I just hate rejection and being ignored. But it's inevitable sometimes. I've dealt with it, in all forms, from asking people whether they registered to vote to asking girls out through text. When she doesn't exude any signs of interest, it's a waste of my effort to ask her out again. But then there's those who play hard to get, but I don't deal with those. When we click, we click. Why try to be uninterested when you actually like them?

Yawn.

Now where were we... ah, about her.

Nah, let's change the subject.

What I really want to do is go to a drive-in movie theater or go to some live jazz bar. With a girl. Heck, i'd even go alone, though it would be a tad sad. Look at that, I rhymed. This town doesn't really have any of that, unfortunately, but if there is one, you better hold my beer while I go.

I got a fresh cut the other day. The barber was wearing high-heels and talking with her two girlfriends. She was dressed as if she was about to head to a nightclub of some sort. At first I thought I made the wrong choice, but I gave in and the end result wasn't so bad after all. Now, a little sidetracking here: I don't know exactly but I heard when Korean women cut their hair short it's because they want to be in a new, refreshed mood. Something happened, whether it be breaking up or getting rejected, anything, and they want to cut their hair to forget about it. I don't think it just applies to Korean women, though.

What's the time?

9:14

A few people were pledging out on the campus. They were running around in a straight line. I never understood that. I don't like people telling me what to do, unless of course they have far more experience and knowledge than me.

Whatever.

The Right Moment

The couple was sitting under the bus stop shelter. It was drizzling. It was about fifteen minutes after midnight. The boy needed to ride the bus back to get home, while her home was right around the corner. The boy thought about walking her home, but instead, he decided to sit with her at the bus stop until the bus came.

"It's a nice neighborhood to live," she said. "The police station is right there and there's an elementary school a few block from here."

"So it's pretty safe," he said.

"Yeah. My friends also live within this area so it's nice."

She didn't have an umbrella so he gave his to her.

"Borrow it for tonight," he said.

"No, it's okay. I'm fine."

"Take it," he said. "Once I get off the bus my dorm is just a walk away. You'd need it on your walk back."

"Then how am I gonna return it to you?"

"Simple. We meet again."

She smiled. "Okay. Definitely."

The rain fell, and it didn't seem to subside anytime soon. When it rained on the weekend everything instantly became depressing. Unless you had a partner to cuddle with indoors, there's not much you could do. All you could do was stay indoors and actually consider studying for once.

My roommate and I flocked to the dining hall in the rain. Because of the Jewish holidays, only one dining hall was open. I had on my blue windbreaker, shorts and flip flops while he had on jeans and a tee. The weather was in the 60s. The campus was empty. We silently ate the bland food. I stared out the window, my mind pretty blank. Nothing was exciting here. The people, the vibe, nobody and nothing really stood out. Maybe the rain made it seem so. Whatever the case, each passing day was the same.

I wanted to jog around the track in peace but the yucky weather didn't allow me.

Before I knew it, the cleaning staff came over to our table. I was halfway through my salad.

"It's closing time," she said.

Great. Just great.

She came fifteen minutes early. The weather was drizzling. Not the greatest. We ate at a small noodle place. It was silent, with only about a few customers. A Thursday night. We talked about our basic backgrounds, how we knew our mutual friends, among others. I paid the bill and we headed off to bowling. I held my umbrella under her, as she smoked a cigarette. Everywhere else was quiet as the deep sea.

We got ourselves a pitcher of beer and shared it at the bowling alley. We had a good conversation.

"Chinese can be more poetic than English," she said. "But for me English is easier to speak."

A few strikes and spares later, her friends showed up, and we ended up joining them..

I wish that didn't happen.


In the end I escorted her back. We were sitting under the bus station shelter, the rain hitting from above. It was my chance to make a move, but something held me back. But what.. She didn't look so happy, smiled only a couple times throughout the night. Maybe that was just her.

"I had a good time," she said.

"Did you really?"

"I did," she was looking at the ground.

The bus came, we hugged, and I left.

The second weekend

The days go.

The crows caw on this breezy afternoon full of sunshine. The clouds are ceaselessly drifting. In intervals, you could hear the cicadas crying. The thought of a nap seems just the perfect thing to do. But here I am with a cup of coffee and a notepad in front of me. Bruce Springsteen on the speakers, mingled with the crows and the cicadas. I trust you are well.

I'm a senior working on my humanities major.

Thud

Excuse me for that, my textbook just fell on the floor. You know, I'm at the phase where I can't seem to tell whether school started or not. It started, but I'm just not in the zone.. yet. With all the Jewish holidays in between, you know what I mean. Here I am in my fourth year and I still can't even locate my mailbox.

Of course I have homework, but of course it's not the first thing you want to think about. Honestly, it depresses me just entering the library devoid of any sound but occasional printers. Every time I enter the library I feel that it's an obligation for my studies, but at the same time I ask myself what am I doing here. Also,

It's hot.

It's really hot. When hundreds of computers are on, you know it's real. And not just in the library but outside as well. The sun can't beat us; it beats us good.

Regardless, I ran around the university track field today and did a mini burnout drill in the end.

Sometimes I feel too old to live in the dorms. Sometimes I get a gut feeling that I should be living off-campus at an apartment. I realized this when I crashed at my roommate's girlfriend's place after a party at a bar a few days ago.

I drank with the gang I had lived with last year, and, in the end, they all somehow left me and my drunk roommate. He was gone, I tell you. I guided him to the bus stop, only to see the bus filled with other students. Needless to say, the bus zoomed passed us as if we were clumps of dust that bespoke no visible impression. That was the last bus of the night.

So the only thing to do was to walk back. It would take us a good forty-five minutes to an hour. The streets were dark, with very limited lights. It was reaching two in the morning, yet somehow nothing scared me. I put my arm around my drunk roommate and guided him. All the while he was babbling some nonsense ranging from wanting another beer to maintaining the taekwondo club. For reasons unknown, he took out twenty dollars from his pocket and gave it to me. There we were, the two of us, walking in the pitch black streets. One pretty sober, one completely gone. Cars passed us, casually. I tried hailing a cab but it hit me that we weren't in NYC. Meanwhile my roommate would continue to whine about craving another beer. I told him no, but drunk people didn't listen. I was getting annoyed. But it gave me a good laugh.

I called my roommate's girlfriend, as she lived pretty close, and she finally came. While my roommate slept in her room, I slept on her living room couch. I was wearing jeans and a striped tee. Uncomfortable, but it couldn't be helped. Once I lay down, sleep immediately consumed me like a huge cloud covering the sun.

Come morning, I got up and took a swig of water from the mug that she must've placed on the coffee table when I was sleeping. Birds were chirping from out the window. I walked to their bathroom and took a long piss. There were large, dark circles under my eyes. I checked my wristwatch that I accidentally wore overnight and it was nine in the morning. I yawned a couples times, stretched, and sighed. The rest were still sleeping. In the meantime I looked around the place. It was pretty decent. They had a spacious living room, kitchen, and a small terrace outside. A few steps up led to four rooms, all of which were locked. I'd live here, I thought.

I decided to go back myself. I slipped on my shoes and headed out the door. For a second I thought of being in a one-night stand, only that I didn't have a girl to bring back. Parked by the garage was their car. I took one last look at their home and walked to the bus stop. The morning mist slapped my face while the birds continued to chirp. While taking the bus, I thought about the drastic difference dorm life was. I'd want a spacious living room, a terrace, a single room. But what's done was done.

Classes are off to a normal start. Nothing remarkable. Nothing new at all. But three days a week, three of my friends and I go to the gym to work-out. My muscles (especially my biceps) have been sore this entire week. But that's when you know you're doing it right.

The dining hall as usual has subpar eats. Usually however it's on the bad side. There aren't any moments where I'd raise my eyebrows and praise a dish. The foods either too salty, too watery, or something else. It's nothing special at all. I miss real food.

These days all I do is dream. That's how I get by. I attended a party last weekend and ended up disappointed on all levels. This wasn't the way I wanted to start off my senior year. Not one bit. The party was well-organized (I'll give them that), but I seemed to get sucked in with the wrong people. Not that they weren't cool. I just didn't click with them. Topics ranged from anime, the Japanese language, and you get the idea after that. I don't know why, but I seemed to lure in these types of people. Hanging out with these people aren't really my thing. Needless to say, they were mostly underclassmen. Accompanied by warm beer, nothing seemed to be going the way they should be. My suitemate and I went together, taking a taxi crammed with other students for 2$ to the house party. The bus at the time was hectic, crowded and flooded with drunk students. It was a tidal wave, an endless stream of students shoving one another, desperate to get on the bus. That's when I thought I needed a car. Nobody wanted to end up there.

So much for those 2$.

And now I'm slowly recovering from this disappointment by dreaming. Dreaming about a much better way to start off my senior year. I still need a moment where I can officially call it the start of my senior year. Granted, classes began kickstarting, but that's inevitable. I need an event that I can cherish, something that can make me feel that my final year in college is alive.

About a third of the campus is closed for construction, so nothing seems the same. Hang out areas are thus limited now. It's probably the worst time to be on campus, but I'm positive that there will be excitement waiting for me.