Train Skit

This is a English translated and slightly modified version of the train skit originally performed by Taka and Toshi in Japanese. Why did I take off time to write this, I have no idea.


1: Excuse me, sir? Sir? We’ve reached the last stop! Sir! Sir!
2: huh?
1: This is the last stop!
2: What top? You look like a boy to me.
1: Not a TOP! The last STOP!
2: Oh, Hi Carmen Electra!
1: Who the hell’re you callin’ Carmen?!!
2: Then who are you? Are you a police officer?!
1: No, I’m a freaking train conductor and I’m asking you to leav—
2: Oh, so it’s just a cosplay.
1: No! For god sakes, I’m just here to tell you that this is the last stop.
2: Oh, the last stop! Okay. Let’s celebrate! Here! For our friendship!
1: why, we’re not even friends!
2: c’mon it doesn’t matter. drink, drink, drink, drink, hair tonic!
1: I’LL DIE YOU IDIOT! Why the hell are you making me drink hair tonic. Now look, all the other passengers left, and you’re the only—so sir hey DON’T sleep. Wake up!
2: Oh, excuse me, can I have the check?
1: This ain’t a bar!
2: Table for one please!
1: This ain’t a bar!
2: May I have another glass?
1: This ain’t a bar! It’s the last stop!
2: Already closing time!
1: This AIN’T A BAR!
2: Please, waiter! Just a little longer
1: THIS AIN’T A BAR! I’m a freakin’ conductor!
2: Just one more glass and I’ll leave!
1: Don’t tell me all this trash.
2: Aight! Imma drink ‘till the sun rises!
1: THIS AIN’T A BAR! Sir, don’t say stuff like that! It’s the last stop!
2 seems like he’s about to throw up
1: Sir, are you okay?
2: I think I’m pregnant.
1: What the hell’re you sayin’? That’s freakin’ impossible. Cut your nonsense.
2: It kicked me.
1: You ain’t pregnant! Please, get off this train!
2: huh? Kicked out? How rude!
1: No!!! I never said you were kicked out. I said to please get off the train!
2: No, I ain’t. I’m not kicked out!
2 seems like he’s about to throw up again
2: I feel sick.
1: Are you okay?
2: like your face.
1: I’ll kill you. Who you callin’ sick? You’ve been drinking have you?
2: No, I haven’t.
1: Yes you have.
2: No I haven’t. I swear. I don’t have any money.
1: I AIN’T NO BURGLAR!
2: hahaha! This is getting pretty fun, eh!
1: Sir, no it hasn—
2: Let’s play a game! Let’s name all the station on the 1 train! It’s like Concentration 64 except it’s not! But let’s keep that same rhythm, yeah?!!
1: Sir I’m going to have to—
2: South Ferry
1: 59th
2: 72nd!
1: 86th
2: … DAMN IT…. You’re good.
1: I’M A FREAKIN’ CONDUCTOR! THERE’S NO WAY I’D LOSE. Geez, what the hell’re you saying. Sir, if you won’t leave soon, I’m going to have to call the police.
2: The police??! Well, I have a confession to make. Here’s my membership card.
Pulls out his Equinox membership card
1: THIS AIN’T A SPORTS GYM!
2: This actually expired.
1: THEN PUT THAT THING BACK WHERE IT CAME FROM OR SO HELP ME!
2: THIS AIN’T MONSTER’S INC!
1: No!!! Sir, Please… Just…
2: No I have one more thing to tell you please! Just one more!
1: Alright after this you have GOT to leave.
2: yeah. I will.
1: Okay. What?
2: I’ve worked my butt of at work. But my manager told me that I was the garbage of the company. I’m a freakin… Cargo train!
Hits 1 on the head
1: Why did you just suddenly hit me? What the hell did I do?
2: Do? What’s Due? There’s no paper work I have to hand in.
1: huh?
2: I feel so hyper with all the caffeine in me. It must be the DEW!
Hits 1 on the head
1: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!??
2: When you’re walking on the street and there’s something on your feet. It must be that DO DO!
Hits 1 on the head
1: FOR GOD SAKES! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SAYING??! HERE, JUST GET OUT. OUT OUT OUT.
2: But what did I do??!