Merry Christmas

"He stepped down, trying not to look long at her, as if she were the sun, yet he saw her, like the sun, even without looking."

Leo Tolstoy


Don't mind the quote so much-- I just stole it from a Buzzfeed article.

Merry Christmas~

Time for joy and love and family-time and presents. Since the end of the semester I've been hanging around, relaxing, reading and writing. One of my guilty pleasures is listening to some K-Pop songs and learning the choreography for a few of them. In fact I'm in the process of setting up a manageable choreography for the taekwondo club on campus. I'm aiming to get this down pat sometime during the spring semester so the team could perform it. A few members are already psyched about it.

I just woke up from a four hour nap.

It was an overall alright semester. I've met a few new friends and I felt more free and relaxed than last semester. The highlight was probably breaking my pinky bone from a tournament early in the year. I was basically in the D.L. for the rest of the semester. I've attended more house parties than last year. Classes were especially dull, for some reason, but I managed to get by. Another highlight was performing taekwondo on stage with the demo team. Still trying to find a chance to talk to chair girl number two.

But hey, good vibes.

Finally done with all finals. Done with the semester.

It was a rough last final. An 8 a.m. final, handwriting eight pages worth of political philosophy. Outside was cloudy and raining. Yet everything is done. Yus.

Woke up past noon
ate a banana
roommate goes to dining hall for the first time this semester
learned a lot about him
as if we just met
because we never ate together before
campus emptying out by the second
a subdued atmosphere
as if orbit in space
a hushed dark murmur
said bye to suitemate
who's off to d.c.
ate again with mr. star
took the second to last exam
bubbling in answers one after the other
anxious selections
walked out
studied for the last exam
on a cloudy, misty evening
wolfed down suitemate's stuffed shells
he's on League while another is asleep
while another is gaming.
and so it went.

Stopped by the dining hall for the late night and unintentionally bumped into a number of random people I knew. First was my friend (the boy who cried wolf), then I bumped into my other friend in my Japanese class, then my Japanese discussion proctor, and then the president of the Japanese student association.

Tonight is the last night for one of my suitemates, as he's leaving tomorrow and will be in D.C. for next semester.

One final down, two to go.

My goal is to ace these remaining two, and meet chair girl number two.

Two is the magic number here.

I leave around noon when my roommate is fast asleep and come back in the evening as he's still in the same position, asleep. I guess that's the only thing to do when it's finals week. 

Now leaving that aside, I often question whether I'm a good friend or my friends are inconsiderate. I cannot stand it when someone brings up an idea, offer, or suggestion and they eventually let it pass the next day. I hate it when they get my hopes up and ultimately shoot it right back down. This happens all the time with some of my friends, and I don't know if I'm just expecting too much from them, but it's common sense to me to keep your words true. Otherwise you're just a liar, the next boy who cries wolf. 

I've learned this in my upbringing from my mother. How saying it and doing it are two different things. You'll say you'll do it but will you actually do it? The words were originally brought up from some learning center commercial and she used the concept ever since it aired on television. And I feel that it's very, very true. 

If you can't do it then don't offer it in the first place. Don't pitch me a plan that you won't execute. And don't explode with meaningless excuses. I don't care if you're sick, if you got into a fight with your girlfriend or boyfriend, or if you have work. In general, if you specifically said in your own words that you were going to do it, then you have to do it. I feel that this form of trust is a crucial factor in friendship. I've already lost some trust in some of my friends and I feel as disappointed as ever. 

Some good meals with good company.

What I do usually just happens out of the blue. Plans happen without much planning. Either my friends hit me up or I hit them up, and we just meet right then and there.

Today I was finally able to have full meals.

This morning my roommate made eggs, which I always appreciate, and received good news from one of my professors. For lunch my friend and I had lunch, who complained to me that his roommate is driving him insane and that he wanted to move. For dinner I went to a Chinese buffet with two friends. The food was actually decent.

May or may not have a date later today. Pray for good news.

And now arriving finals week.

Feeling especially lazy and unhealthy recently. Yesterday I ate pop tarts for breakfast, hot pockets for lunch, more pop tarts in the melancholy afternoon, went to the dining hall for some mac and cheese and salad, and ate an order of wings with my roommate around 1 a.m.

Meanwhile the past few days I've been studying for finals which is pretty frightening. There's not much when I initially think about it but as soon as I actually sit down at my desk and glance at the material with focus there's sort of a lot that's covered. Maybe because they're all cumulative.

Because my suitemates were playing Call of Duty while screaming their lungs out, I had to go to the library to study. I grabbed my bag, put on my wool coat and trekked my way through, thankful that the snow finally subsided. The wind brushed the remnant snow left on the rooftop of a house as it ghastly billowed in the air. Cars were slowly passing through the icy roads. A lampost nearby was buzzing. While a chilly thump of wind blew in my direction, I recalled a conversation:


"You guys don't give gifts to your friends?" Melon asked. "No secret santa or anything?"

She was as usual, stunning. Her hair was smooth as silk, dropping down to about her shoulders. Hiding just behind it were pearl earrings. Today she applied more makeup than usual. A subtle woody fragrance lingered whenever she made hand gestures. She was wearing a white sweater and tight denims.

"I guess not," I said. "Come to think of it I don't actually have close friends like that."

"What a sad life."

I thought about it for a while. "I guess you could say that I don't really have a best friend. I know some people here and there, and they know me. I fit in everywhere."

She twirled her coffee. "You really think so?"

"Sure."

She took her time to look at my face, then down to my clothes. "Well then what about me?"

I looked at my left hand, aware that it finally felt free without the brace. "Say, what do you want for Christmas?" I asked her.

"Your ugly face."

"Sorry, the ugly version is out of stock," I said. "We only have the handsome version here."

She looked down and smiled. A beautiful, cute, subtle smile. Her right eye hid under her hair.

"Then never mind," she said. "I'll just resort to chocolates then."

"Chocolates?"

"I dunno I'm really craving them at this moment. I could really go for something sweet. I guess I'm just that tired because of all those finals."

"What a dumb present."

"Excuse me? Chocolates are mouth-watering."

"Yeah sure. As a present. Why not something better like candy canes?"

"Nothing can really beat chocolate."

"Psh."

I took out a crackling new bar of Hershey's dark chocolate from my coat pocket and slid it across the table toward her.

"What? how?" she froze.

"I know you too well. Let's not see each other," I smiled. "Happy Holidays."

Friendship

There are many things that are bugging in my mind right now, wandering, looming, trapped, struggling to find an escape, like a butterfly in a cocoon. Of course one has to do with the fact that finals are coming up, but there is more than just that. In college, in addition to academics, friendship is just as important. Maintaining bonds and finding connections is key and without it, college won't be fun and as meaningful as it ought to be. It's important to be with the right ones. In my experience so far, as a 3rd year student, I've made friends by chance, if you will. Most of my friends are from taekwondo, and a few I've met through my other friends. Many of them are seniors, which means that they're all going to be graduating.

I've never really deliberately gone up to people and started to introduce myself. I guess I'm not that kind of person. But I've realized that I should start doing that because college is basically the only time in our lives to have this much fun where friends are just a walk away from each other. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll, as they call it. A time of fun, trial and tribulations, trying out new things, being independent, seeing life in a different view.

What keeps this going is friendship. And one of the factors that keep friendship going is trust. And if you break the trust, then it halts, breaks, snaps. Once you break, say, a plate, it can never really be fixed in its original form. The crack still exists, and its smooth, glazed texture is no longer. Today, that happened.

Don't tell me you're going to show up if you're not actually going to show up.

A few days ago my friend texted me that he will attend the final taekwondo class of the semester, specifically writing that he will show up. And, tonight, he didn't. No message, no apology, nothing.

What a joke.

Again, don't tell me you're going to show up if you're not actually going to freaking show up. It's something that irks me tremendously.

Anyways...


Now, switching gears, it's somewhat stressful talking to a person in their second language. No matter how you look at it, they're always most comfortable talking in their native tongue. When they speak in their native tongue, they can express their opinions with more fluency without much difficulty. Thus when you're speaking with them in their second language, it always seems artificial and not pure, no offense.

I've had a crush on a Korean international student, and her English isn't bad at all. But she seems to better understand and have more fun with my friend who is Korean as well.

I mentioned it in my previous post as well. It's as if there's two sides. Although there is that one side of the lid, I feel like I haven't been able to open it yet and see the other side of the lid.

Anyway, let's transition to the next topic. Exit this door and enter the next.


I'm the type of person who doesn't want to let go of things. Once it's in my possession, I can't release it. It's been an ongoing trait in me since childhood. I can't donate old toys and clothes so easily because I see in each of them a distinctness as if they're individuals with souls. I guess I'm with Andy on this one. 

Even in relationships, once I'm in one, I try to make it last for a long time. I don't give up. My feelings don't change so fast. 

It's hard to find someone who agrees. But it's college. Young relationships are spontaneous.

"Honestly are you expecting us to get married?" I recalled someone saying. 

What if...

I woke up from my vibrating cellphone on my desk. I yawned and stretched out my arms. I looked at the alarm clock and it read 10:12 am. This was no good sign. I rushed to my desk and picked up the phone.

"Sorry," I said. "Honestly I just woke up. I'm sorry."

"Ugh," she said. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

I was supposed to meet my friend Melon at the campus center at ten. I set my alarm on but somehow it didn't ring. Melon would never believe me if I told that to her so I admittedly blew it right there.

"Say do you like cake?" I asked.

"Why."

"Hey this is totally my fault. I won't be late again."

She breathed a long sigh. It took her a good few seconds before she said anything.

"I'll be here. You owe me."

"Surely," I hung up.

I rushed to take a long piss, brushed my teeth, washed my face, and changed into the first pair of jeans and button-down shirt I could find. After applying a dash of cologne, I threw on my wool coat and ran outside. The weather was a windy one, around the low 30s. The shuttle bus to campus had just left. Bits and remnants of snow were piled on the ground. Patches of grey clouds floated in the sky, the sun not entirely visible. I sniffed the subtle scent of rain.

I made a quick stop at the campus deli and bought a slice of chocolate cake and a cup of coffee. I ran to where she was sitting. She chose a pretty secluded spot, sitting at the sofas in the lounge. The warm, cozy atmosphere made me want to stay in here for a good while.

"Here," I said, giving her the chocolate cake.

"What's this?"

"Thought it would make up for my lateness, kind of. I mean, I just wanted to give you something. I feel really terrible."

"No shit," she glanced at the cake. "I don't want this crap."

"I'm sorry."

"I don't need this, take it back. That's not the point I'm trying to make. When you're late, you're late. You can't change that. Cake won't make up for it. Don't try to make things better. When things have been done, they're done. Nada. Move on. You learn your lesson and get on with it."

I adjusted the clip on my watch from sheer impulse. "I suppose so."

I took a sip of my coffee, maintaing my composure. Next to us was a happy couple laughing together at something on the guy's phone. I was literally at a loss for words for a split second. Somehow my mind stopped fully functioning and my sentences and thoughts jumbled and decreased in proficiency.

All the while I took a glance at her attire which was stylish as usual. Her skinny black jeans complemented perfectly with her blue flannel. Her pearl earrings added charm and her silver watch glimmered and added nuance to her overall look. Her make-up game was on-point, and her silky black hair was tied into a bun.

"You alright?" she asked.

"I'm good. I'm just pissed off at myself."

"Just don't make the same mistake again," she said. "You freaking lazy ass. You aren't usually like this. You're usually calm, cool, and collected. Prompt and badass. You could literally fly swiftly in the air with your crazy taekwondo aero kicks and you've got a sense of style. Just learn your lesson and continue to be the person you really are."

"What is this quasi-Oprah prose. But hey, thanks."

It was one of the most surreal times I've had. 

I finally introduced myself to a girl that I've been interested in at the second to last class of the semester. 

Bad news? 

She made another boyfriend just about a week after she broke up. 

Even worse? 

She is graduating in two days. 

But I am thankful for this moment, talking to her. Finally. 

Today I wanted to be fresh off to a good start as it's the beginning of the last month of the year. I went to the salon to get a haircut, took a quick shower, and wore my new coat. Suddenly I felt more alive. Somehow it made me feel happier. It's important to do what makes you happy.

"Uh-oh Christmas is coming soon, Sean," my friend said while we were having lunch.

I sat there, blank.

He rolled his eyes and finished chewing before speaking.

"Is there any girl you want to spend time with during Christmas?" he extended his arms, palms facing the ceiling.

"I'm aiming for one."

"Did you get her number and anything?"

"Not yet."

"Oh come on you got no balls."

Next weekend he was to head home to get his car and take the N-1 Japanese Proficiency Test, reportedly a difficult Japanese test that even native speakers couldn't ace. And how did he feel about it?

"I'm so screwed," he said. "I don't know why I wasted my money on that thing."

Meanwhile December rolled its way around. Back to that study grind.