For Jay, he had walked another journey in his college life. Some of his friends abandoned him, one had to enlist in the military, his girlfriend broke up with him, and of course, he made a few new friends. His suite screamed at random spurts, kicked a soccer ball across the hall, and jumped against a wall. They all found some things they all enjoyed. And that made Jay feel satisfied. It added some oomph to his daily living. The crazy stuff they did as a suite kept them up and running. They all enjoyed the Beatles, taekwondo, and detested a particular girl because she happened to ruin everything and make everything awkward. she even made my roommate so mad that he made a hole in the wall.

For Jay nothing was working for him in his personal life, however.

He made a Korean-American friend who was pretty darn good in japanese. He was an avid smoker and was more and more turning Japanese, talking to native Japanese speakers which was good for him but terrible for his Japanese friends since all they spoke was their native language. No room for improvements.


now enough of jay. jay is, as you guessed this whole time, me.

For me it was awkward. Sure I don't mind conversing in Japanese, but that's not really my goal. I don't plan to spend all of my time with Japanese people here. If that's the case then I ought to head to Japan. Certain ideas don't click when I'm with them. It's a completely different lifestyle. but the korean-american, i realized, was more fluent than i was. and that made me feel a bit lost, and confused and defeated. a how-the-hell kind of feeling. he knew more meanings, kanji, and had a better flow. how-the-hell.

It was then that I realized that I was completely ingrained in American norms. no shit im american.



Second, I've been struggling to break the ice with an attractive girl in one of my classes. Every other day when I have the class I see her dressed cutely. I can't really focus anymore because I'm too frustrated in myself. Every sentence I've written on this blog for the past few weeks isn't my best writing. There are some in past tense some in present. Some in caps and some not. I've fallen behind in my readings, lagged, just because I can't find a way to speak to her. Speaking with her is, i daresay, currently my dream. and it shouldn't be so hard. i feel like im making this so counterintuitive. wasted movements. and that was one thing i didnt want to do this year.

no wasteful movements.

i really need to stop that and not waste any time.

Today was one of my chances. My roommate happened to make a battle-plan for me. To utilize the korean student association mass meeting and find her there. she was bound to be there. but it backfired. they played a video of a dance group which my ex was in, and instead of meeting my crush, i bumped into that girl we all hated. the girl who ruined everything and made everything awkward. and indeed she did ruin everything and make everything awkward. she destroyed it. the image i had of meeting my crush. the scenario, that both my roommate and i had planned, was ultimately ruined by that damn girl.

what a joke.

what a fucking joke.

when i came back just talking to my roommate made me feel a bit better. i got his back and he's got mine.

earlier i was with my friend and we were leaning against the railings overlooking the fountain. I yelled at my friend i saw walking with a girl who seemed like his ex.
"You ruined the setting! they were getting back together!" he said.
"No they're the ones that screwed up," I said. "if they split they shouldnt be together."
"what a badass you are," he said.
"not badass it's just common sense."


now back to the attractive girl.

you know at this point i just want to get to know her. shes cute. im not the type who tries to find the perfect woman, because nobody is perfect. perfection is bullshit. it doesnt exist because everyone has flaws no matter how you look at it. why is it so hard breaking the ice.

why should it be this hard.

god damnit. im falling down.