He pulled out two eggs from the fridge, cracked them, and mixed them on a plastic bowl. He grabbed a small pan, sprayed it with Pan, and set the gas range to 3. He poured the eggs on the pan and waited for a good ten minutes. He cut the eggs into pieces, flipping them over back and forth. When it was alright, he simmered the range down and put a toast in the toaster. When it finished, he set the range off and poured the completed dish on a plate.

That's the basics of making scrambled eggs, my roommate said.

I woke up around 10, and my roommate made some scrambled eggs with toast.

I went to class, a dull lecture on Plato. Humans and things have one obligation, and if that obligation isn't practiced or met, then one isn't just, and all that philosophy. There were more empty seats than the first class, meaning that a lot had dropped it. Why was I taking it? It was a sort of minor course for me.

Japanese was a hassle as usual, where the professor only taught using Japanese, with occasional English here and there. Not that I didn't understand; it was just the idea that she was strict and prompt, and was the kind of professor to not waste any time. Sometimes it threw me off-guard.

It took me a while before I realized it was Friday.

I went to the library and studied.

The day was long. Dull classes on and on. But classes are getting smaller since I'm now an upperclassmen I guess.

I wrote articles, discussed about war, listened to a professor explain how Facebook bought Occulous Rift for 2 billion, and sat through a lecture on crime.

For lunch I ate with my friend and a bunch of other Koreans we've never met before. One guy told me he went to Nagano and Shinjuku two weeks ago.

"It's so weird," my friend said. "Koreans care so much about age."

I took the bus back to my room and was overwhelmed by the denseness of Plato. Well this is going to be fun, I thought.

I ate some pulled pork and smashed potatoes that my suitemates made earlier for dinner and went to bed.

Tuesdays and Thursdays are my especially long, extended days.

In the morning my roommate and I waited for the bus.

My first class was held, and we were immediately told to interview the person sitting next to us and report what we found out about them.

The person next to me was an international student from China.

When she told the class that I was a second degree black belt, they stared at me in envy and admiration.

"So what is a black belt?" the professor asked.
Really? I thought. It was the first time I heard anyone ask that.
"It's considered the highest rank in martial arts," I said.
She nodded, seeming slightly disinterested. "Any questions for him?"

Two hands raised up.

"So was there like a time where you practically had to apply taekwondo in real life situations?" a classmate asked.

"Nope," I said. "Never."

"How many years have you been practicing?" another asked.

"I started when I was four."

A couple of oohs and aahs.

"What made you want to teach taekwondo?" the same student asked.

"The feeling of teaching somebody a kick or a punch or a form or whatever and seeing them succeed is a great feeling."


Then my second class resumed, then the third. All based on my major courses. Most of my classmates took the same major courses I took, so I saw some familiar faces throughout.


By far the funniest professor was during my third major course. I took him last semester. A true hippy from California, as he called himself.

When he entered the room, he said.
"So is this the right classroom?" he asked.
Nods of heads.
"F*ck yeah!" he said.
A burst of laughter.
"But there's no air in here," he said. "We're going outside."

He broke out his shades and we went outside and all sat down in front of the grass field benches in front of the library as he ended up complaining about how the University of Missouri was not established during the turn of the century instead of going over the syllabus. Then the entire class had to name at least one good author or journalist off the top of our heads.

"You guys are going to write about sex," he said. "And drugs. What are the two types of marijuana?"

"Indica and Sativa," a classmate said, who happened to be a late-night hostess.

What a professor. Cracks me up every time.


I met a new friend, from another friend. Then at night my roommate and I practiced speaking Chinese to each other.

"你是日本人吗？他请我。
对，我是日本人。
你喜欢东京吗？
对，我喜欢东京。你呢？
我不知道东京。

Think about positive things and positive things will come.

First class of the year was alright. The campus was filled with students all in a fresh mindset. Some hugs and long-time-no-sees.

The first class was crammed with students in a little room. Seems interesting.

Then it was followed with Advanced Japanese. It was also crammed with students. Some fluent speakers here. For me it felt strange. One of my Japanese friends looked out the classroom and yelled out something to me in Japanese.

"Sean! Why are you taking this class? Cheating!" he laughed.
"What's wrong with it?" I laughed back.

Then I met a friend. We went to the bookstore downtown and I ended up spending numbers in the double digits.

Bumped into a taekwondo friend. Emily was the name. Us three went back. I went back to my dorm, leaving them together. Perhaps they began to like each other.

LOL.

My tooth has been hurting lately. There's a slight pain whenever I chew food. Hope it's not all about that wisdom tooth.

"Everyday I want to be a better person, to be smarter, everyday."


I was sitting by the fountain as it endlessly sprouted water. All of that water represented the negative feelings I had. It sprouted outwards, away from the present. It was a new beginning.

At this point I bumped into most of the people I knew.

I played some pool with friends.

Came back at chatted with some freshmen.

Ate pizza with my friend. He was tired and sleepy from jet lag. I was lost in thought. It was a silent dinner.

I chatted with freshmen.

"What are you majoring in?" I asked.
"Bio/Chem," she said.
I nodded in disapproval.
She laughed.

I walked around campus and an older guy was lost.

"Where can I get to the library?" he asked.
I pointed towards the library and gave him the directions.
"Are you from the orient or here?" he asked.
"I'm from the city."
"My sons live there," he said. "One is a waiter and one an engineer."
Two very distinct professions, I thought.

I went back to the dorm and saw the suite watching video games.

And so the day ended.

We were walking on the commons. He gave me a rice cracker as a souvenir from his trip back. He connected at Narita from Seoul, to NY. Then he took a bus to a hotel, then came back to campus the next day.

"How is she?" I asked. 

"She's in Korea, going back to Japan after 1 week," he said, looking down as if he was staring at his face on a puddle. 

"How do you feel about that?" I asked.

"It's sad, because she and I dated here."

"I know. I feel the same way." 

"Someday I hope she and I can get married," he said. 

"You never know."

"Yeah, you never know." 

They were still together so it was a different kind of sad, lonely feeling than mine. We went to Walmart, grabbed everything we needed, and headed back.

My entire suite moved in today, as they all settled in by the afternoon. They bought a 40" TV, and brought a whole bunch of snacks and shoved them by the kitchen. Slower and slower I'm learning that my roommate is one weird guy.

"Yup, you heard me right," he said. "I make pornographic compilations."

In the evening I escaped and sat down outside watching the fountain. Students were hanging around, getting their feet wet going in the fountain. Losing interest, I sat alone at the campus center, watching gymnastics on the television. It's sad because she and I dated here. Those words came back. Every single minute of my night. I couldn't help but reminisce.

I came back and the door was locked. My roommate and his girlfriend were in there. They were doing it.

"The timing," he said.

I sat down on the living room couch, staring into nothingness, waiting, humming the tunes of Bob Dylan's 'It Ain't Me Babe'. 

What would happen if you had the ability to read the mind of whoever you hugged?

It's a thought. 

I got up in the morning from the garbage truck parking in front of my window. It was another day of exploring new places. I walked to the nearest dining hall and ate breakfast/lunch alone. Scrambled eggs with ham, toast with jam, cantaloupes, cereal, and orange juice on the rocks. A little while later I ate some spaghetti with salad on the side. 

I bumped into one of my friends at the campus center. He was intently focusing on a manga on his computer. We ended up sitting catching up on some small talk for about an hour and a half. I was so bored that I hit up my old friend I haven't talked in over two years. Currently she was doing marketing work at a tech startup back in the city. 

The manga enthusiast and I walked around aimlessly around campus. Then we bumped into another taekwondo friend. Josh was the name. 

All three of us went for a drive, manga enthusiast the driver, mainly to pick up Josh's car. A light rain fell. 

Then I went back to my room. My suitemate had just moved in. We chatted for a while, talking about the suite and life. 

Then I went to eat dinner alone, and bumped into another friend. Hector was the name. 

We played a couple rounds of pool with freshmen. We won one round and they won one. 

In the late evening my previous roommate noted that he had just gotten back from Korea. 

The start of the 3rd year.

Well this is it. My summer break winds down to an end. 3 months of fun and relaxation.

What do I want to accomplish this school year?

I want to be able to get better grades and make some good friends. I want to be smart in whatever I do. No wasteful movements. Do things at my own pace, be organized, prompt.

I guess that's my resolution for the 2014-15 academic year.



A three-to-four hour drive later and I'm back on campus, at a new dorm. The first one here out of the four. I'd probably say it's the nicest dorm I've lived in so far, with a built-in kitchen and bathroom. There are closets (more like storage rooms) here and there in the suite. The only flaw is that it's pretty secluded from the main campus. About a ten minute walk. It took me about two hours to unpack everything and settle. Very few upperclassmen were moving in today.

I was left with a bag full of onigiri (rice balls), two bottles of green tea and water, along with fruits that my ma packed for me. This was my dinner. After eating in silence, I decided to take an evening stroll around the campus. I wasn't going anywhere specific, but I just wanted to walk around. Everything was closed anyway. I put on a pair of jeans, and fluffed on a light hoodie, and headed out. I tested my keys to the mailbox, checked out the laundry room, and took note of the distance between here and campus. The sky was already dark, and the mercury vapor lampposts lit the sidewalk. I was the only one walking. It started raining lightly but it didn't get me especially wet.

When I walked through the campus center there was not a soul. A few students, seeming like freshmen, came at one point, as if they were trying to discover where this place was. I walked through the main area. The convenience store became larger and cleaner and they replaced an eatery for a new one. A part of the entrance was blocked from construction. Other than that everything was just the same. I got out of the campus center and walked around the podium. But then something happened.

While walking in the concrete, an air of the past flew in me, and it took me back, to last year, where I always used to walk this area with friends and more importantly loved ones. I didn't mean to think about it in the first place but it just came. Certain areas on campus reminded me of her, because it was the place where we usually congregated or had meals or walked to her dorm. Certain areas made me realize how distant we were. They were like memories flying in. And these memories, for some reason, seemed like they happened years and years ago. It was frustrating and sad, like a leaf falling from a branch and getting crunched up. I halted and stared at the fountain, for no reason, imagining what kind of year I'll have. And without realizing, I shed a tear.

I got back, showered, and brushed my teeth. It was my last day to leisurely enjoy my time at the dorm alone. When four people come in, I may not be able to shower or use the bathroom when I want to. It's going to be loud, it's going to be hectic. I want silence and peacefulness. And cleanliness.

One time I visited their suite last year and their place was so messy that it was literally un-walkable.

I'm really hoping for cleanliness, silence, and peacefulness.

I turned off the lamp and went to bed, the crickets as my ambiance.

Sometimes the truth hurts.

I lack manliness, selflessness, and toughness.

"I guess you guys are just not in the right page yet," he said. "You both have different feelings, negative ones that you both just can't get off your backs yet."

"I don't know, maybe."

He took a sip of his coffee and touched the bridge of his glasses with his finger. "Or something else? Perhaps she wants to be free for once. Dye hair, smoke, drink, party like a rockstar, changing clothing style. I mean in college that's what typical students do and if she has a boyfriend who keeps watching her every move she'd feel trapped."

"Maybe," I said. "But it's also my fault. That's what led her to want something else. Sometimes I just wish I could rewind certain times in our relationship."

"You can't," he said, flat. "It's already done. Over. Nada."

"Of course, but I'm just saying."

I gazed at the sky and thought about it for a while. "I guess it's just something I can't get used to so easily. To me, the more people are close to me, the more I can't stand their disappearance from me. I never had a relationship that long, that lovely, that intimate. Before I met her, I wasn't a loner, but I mostly did everything by myself. I didn't have anyone to regard as a best friend, and nobody really cared. Everytime I came home from college I didn't have any particular friend to meet. And I finally met someone who I loved. She opened up my life, gave it some color and nuance. She helped me bring boredom to excitement, dullness to liveliness. We both helped each other. It was for happiness. I guess she was right. But when she left it dawned on me. I was back to being alone."

"Well people change," he said. "You just have to deal with it. Things like this are bound to happen. Just let it go. She's still your friend. And she's got your back, at least I hope."

I nodded.

"What was it like seeing her the other day?" he asked.

"She seemed desperate to leave," I said. "She didn't even want to see me in the first place anyway. We seemed like strangers to each other. She only looked at me occasionally and was expressionless the entire time."

"Do you think that helped you get over your relationship with her?"

"Not at all," I said. "The opposite. I want her to be happy and be the way she is. If she isn't then it makes me even sadder. It makes it seem like the Eve I knew slipped away somewhere and disappeared. Lost. I don't want that. I want her to be the bubbly, cheerful, and energetic person like she always was. I want the relationship to end smoothly and peacefully."

He nodded, scratching his beard. "What made you want to meet her?"

"Well we originally planned to meet that day, but when I told her on that day she said she couldn't. But I couldn't stand changing of plans last minute so I couldn't take that reason."

"In other words, an excuse," he said.

"Precisely," I said. "And also because I wanted to pass a gift to her, as her friend. Because that's what friends do. Give and take."

"What did you guys do?"

"We just ended up eating dumplings."

"That's it?"

"That's it."

Eve,

Whenever you have the chance, please listen to Whitney Houston's "I will always love you."

I just want you to hear it. That's all.

A 2 hour plane ride later and I'm back home. The MD-88 arrived at the airport in the evening. I managed to finish reading Murakami's new novel during the flight. He left a cliffhanger right there. It got me thinking a lot.

We got home and unpacked. We got home just when we got used to Orlando. It's kind of a wait-i'm-back-already kind of feeling. Short-haul flights like these always got me like that.

"I don't really like these planes," the flight attendant said. "It's loud. These are one of our older models but it's really efficient and reliable."

The next day came and it was back to reality. The birds cried in their distinct tone, airplanes soared through the sky with their roaring engines, construction workers were busy building new things. I had two days left before I was off to college.

"You're like the flower that grew up in a green house," Eve said.

I got emails from the school, a spam of welcome back letters and notifications mainly suited for first years. Innocent, prospective new students posing with the mascot, wearing their crackling new knapsacks. It's amazing what one year could do to you. Soon those innocent students will change, maybe in a good way, maybe in a bad way.

It's not that I don't want to change. I do. I don't want to be quiet, I want to be confident and be a leader. But it takes a tremendous time.

Just got back from Orlando, and had a wonderful, nostalgic time with mom at WDW.

Some new additions, upgrades, and changes, but overall the place was the same from the last time we went which was around 8 to 10 years ago. For instance, I missed the old Tomorrowland Transit Authority and its old audio. Now it changed to PeopleMover and is installed with a different recording.

More importantly this time I challenged myself and rode rides I was too scared to go on back when I was little. Test track was the first, and Space Mountain the next day. Both were thrilling and I could go on them again.

The cons of Disney attractions is that the wait times are longer than the duration of the rides. But the important part of that is the idea that to have fun, you need patience. You gotta earn it.

Jay never felt so lonely in his life. He once had a girl named Eve, and they were a happy couple who spent many a time together exploring the city. They were inseparable at one point. But from time to time, their relationship shattered, and Eve no longer wanted him. Jay never did anything to make her mad, hurt, or anything. He never did anything. She and Jay had different feelings and emotions. She was cool about it, nonchalant and was ready to separate as soon as she could. Jay destroyed, as if he had been abandoned in a dark forest. Jay felt that the Eve he once had completely vanished into a whole different place. She disappeared somewhere, and never came back. Another soul took her body. The new Eve was born, and her memories of Jay and her together floated away and lingered completely. In fact she seemed like she didn't even remember any of them anymore. As if somebody washed away her mind and erased all contents and brought it back to life. She no longer cared, no longer was curious, anymore, at all. She was no longer the bubbly cheerful and energetic Eve he knew. She was calm and only said what was necessary. She could rely on friends, but Jay didn't have anyone who he could regard as a friend. Jay knew that Eve was the one who knew the most about him, out of anybody other than his mother. And that made Jay really sad, that they no longer shared the memories they had. That he could no longer make any more promises or expectations. That she had moved on to a new life leaving Jay behind. That Jay, was, once again, back to being alone.

Eva dyed parts of her hair in a blondish, brown color. I couldn't help but think back to the days we rode the Staten Island Ferry and how she celebrated my birthday.

I went to the bookstore to get Murakami's new novel that had just released today along with Archie's death issue, ate a Big Mac at McDonald's, and went home. It began to rain and I got wet.

Money is everything, I thought. That's just how society worked.

Sleep paralysis

This sleep paralysis occurred in my nap. And it was a nightmare. Ghosts went inside my body and controlled me. It paralyzed me. Just after seeing a face... an alien with green hair. It wasn't a human more like an alien. It had a slim face.  After seeing the face I gasped and it immediately shook me and I couldn't move a muscle. 

I woke up and saw Eve, staring at me cleaning the room.

"Small ghosts," she said. As if she already knew what happened. 

Then somehow I went back to a dormitory, more like a suite (and this is actually weird because I dreamed about this same location before). There was a teacher in charge of the suite. And the teacher was my high school biology instructor, who was also my advisor for two years. I opened the fridge and found that all of my leftover Chinese food I left was gone except a piece of chicken. I grabbed it out, munched on it, and went into my room. 

"Well you were gone for a while," my roommate said. Honestly I never seen him before in my life. Then another suitemate came, and I realized that it was my high school classmate's younger brother. It was strange because I was never really close friends with her, nor her younger brother. 

----------

Then I woke up. 

"You screamed," she said. 

My heart was still beating fast. It was my first sleep paralysis. 


I talked it out with my mom's friends and they said it happened to them as well.

"One time I saw a large shadow in front of me and it was pressing on me," she said. "So I flipped over, face down and it pressed on my back."

Jesus.

I met her at the train station and saw her with her new haircut. Immediately it reminded me of the first couple of days when I met her. It's too thin, she said. But I thought it looked nice regardless.

We went to the dragon boat festival. I haven't gone in 2 years. We rode the train silently. I was used to putting my arm around her or holding her hand that it seemed unnatural just sitting next to her. Like something was missing. Like Flushing without hearing airplane engines from above, or a pencil without an eraser.

I told her I was going on a mini vacation soon when we were on the shuttle.

"I'm gonna party and drink," she said.

She seemed like she totally refreshed her mind. Just based on how I saw it. Not that it was a bad thing. It wasn't a bad thing at all. I just noticed she recently changed her profile picture and started looking into makeup more often. She didn't care about applying sunblock anymore, and now she wanted to drink. Even hinting about cigarettes.

I sat there silent, staring at the front view of the bus, thinking about her. It kind of struck me that I didn't own her anymore. She had that I-can-do-what-I-want vibe now and I couldn't do anything about it. Even if I wasn't comfortable seeing her drink and party with douchebag perverts at Webster, I couldn't stop her anymore. That... That's what made it sad for me. I just wish I was there with her whatever she did.

"But I'm not really feeling it," she added.



We arrived and walked to the festival. A pack of asians everywhere having picnics and barbeques. Tents everywhere selling fried rice to corn on the cob. At a distance dragonboaters were practicing on the lake. She had a corn on the cob, and I had some dumplings. Usually it seemed like she would be the one getting dumplings, and me getting the corn, but it was the opposite. I was craving dumplings and she was craving corn at the time.


"I don't like your sunglasses," she said, changing the conversation.

I sighed. Well I liked them. And they fit me well. And they were stylish.

We listened to a band from Nigeria and watched some kung fu performers. Before I knew it the festival was ending.

She had some asap business she needed to take care of so I was left alone. I was expecting dinner but she urgently needed to handle some stuff. I sighed, bought a new pair of sneakers, and went home, thinking about the time at governor's island.

Another day came and went. My mom and I went to a Yankees game, as usual, on Thursday. The stars weren't starting today, and once again I couldn't see Jeter play. It's always nice to go with mom. We know so much about baseball and the Yankees.

Time really flew.

I stared at the evening skies, the clouds hovering around the sun. An airplane soared through, its engines echoing. Birds were casually chirping. Occasional breezes would sweep, rattling the blinds.

I read, wrote, trained at the dojang every other day, and went on jogs. That was my routine.

Sure it wasn't the most interesting, but everybody needs a break.

Although I should, I didn't want to think about school. I didn't even unpack everything and I had to go back in two weeks. My suitemates were out of the ordinary. They had a strange vibe, all of them. They knew each other since freshman year and I only met three out of the four last year. They were all smart and prompt when it came to academics, but in their recreational, leisure life, everything went downhill and it came to the point where I was left in confusion. They were trolls on the internet and I'd usually have no idea what they were talking about.

My mom and I shopped for some dorm supplies. There were many little things here and there that I realized I needed. It's kind of relieving to be used to the procedures. Last year it was my first year at university since I transferred. And the year before that I was a freshman so both years I was feeling nervous. But now I felt more relaxed, also because I had most of the supplies I needed already. As they said, the third times the charm.

8/5- 13'06"71
8/6- 13'24'06


"A new plate"

"We're in an even better relationship."

"Yes."

I really loved her. I couldn't sleep, I recorded the song we were going to rehearse, i walked, i got goosebumps, i was nearly about to throw up. reality didnt seem the same anymore.

reality really didnt seem the same.

no matter where i went

where i walked

what i said

its just so different

like i just woke up from a coma.

like i was starting a new phase. from point blank.

like a very long dream

i guess this really is how being heartbroken really feels like

the memories just flash back out of nowhere, and they were really great ones.

forget it? how could i so easily. i can't. they stay. theyre a part of my life. and please don't forget them either. those were so magical and beautiful. each and every minute i spent with you. thank you so much. for all youve done

she was the girl i truly loved.

and even if she didnt mean to say what she said, its still shocks me that it came from the girl i truly loved. those words at the time crushed me.


that moment standing there with her, i couldnt hear anything at one point and i was blank

blank. everything.



"i just want something else"




once you break a plate it can never really go back the way it was before. even if you put the pieces together its bound to shatter again.

thats why its sad

for the entire 9 months i wanted to do whatever i could to her to make her happy. i wanted to improve, give her what she wanted, take her to places shes never been to in her life. i never wanted to give up so soon. because i loved her. but i guess i wasnt enough.

she got tired of it, the curtains dropped.

I woke up and realized it wasn't a dream. And it hurts. 

June swung by and lingered away and July has come and gone, just like that. A month ago I passed my road test, and today we are here on the first day of August. The summer is winding down, unfortunately.

At this point it is all about cherishing the rest of the remaining days of my summer. Finding a job now is unthinkable.

Bs head was feeling heavy so she rested at her home for the day, whiling away the hours singing some of her favorite songs and napping. It's been days since I haven't seen her yet it feels like weeks. Everyday she was hard at work at the daycare, changing diapers and yelling at the children. I'm sure they looked up to her, I thought.

I ran a personal best of 12'15"80 this evening. There were significantly less people. You could even say there were more non-runners than runners in the track. Most seemed to just got out of work, slugging their shoulder bags and canvas bags while leisurely walking by themselves. Single workers, perhaps, with not much plans. Well it was a Friday evening and the Yankees were playing the Red Sox. Who would jog on an evening like that?

I haven't stepped a foot outside prior to breaking my new personal best record. The weather was decent so it would have been a good idea to go for a stroll, but that didn't happen. I finished speedreading the rest of a book I read a couple years back and began thumping through Sherlock Holmes. When classes start I already knew I was not going to have the time to read as often so I made sure to read what I wanted now.

In fact I alternate reading three books. I read a book and, losing interest midway through, I would find another one in my bookshelf and begin to read that. There's a sense of satisfaction when you curl up with a good book. That yes, now-this-is-good kind of feeling. 

In my bookshelf there were many books from my childhood that I don't recall ever reading. Or maybe I did read them before but happened to forget the plot and everything. They're stacked in two piles, up to my knees, some of them neatly placed on the shelf. These days I flipped through them and skimmed chapters. Some interesting stuff here and there.

Looking forward to what the rest of my break will be like.